OP-ED: The trouble with Bernie
Steady, now, Dems who are rallying behind Bernie. You want the gun to be pointed directly at your foot when you pull the trigger.
Look, it’s not that I think Trump would beat Bernie like a rented mule in November; it’s that I know he would. The MAGAs are already dropping the “commie” label on Bernie per orders from Fear Leader and, like a hundred undocumented housekeepers keeping the hallways sparkling at Mar-a-Lago, they’re getting the job done!
To be clear, I’m team Mop in the Corner when it comes to whoever is nominated to run against Trump. So, sure, if Bernie’s the nominee, I’ll vote for him when the roll is called down yonder at the elementary school polling place.
But, no, he can’t win.
Democrats are Annie Oakley when it comes to shooting ourselves in the foot. Mistakes? We’ve made a few (thousand), but this time, the stakes are beyond high. In fact, I’d say they’re as high as Medal of Freedom honoree Rush Limbaugh after successfully sending out the maid for more Oxy. (Yep, he’s sick and nope, that doesn’t erase decades of bigotry and misogyny and unflattering shirts.)
Bernie can’t beat Trump because, how can I put this nicely? OK, I’ll use Bernie’s own description of himself as a democratic socialist.
Fan-damn-tastic. That’s going to go over as well as wheatgrass smoothies on Trump’s breakfast tray.
It would seem obvious this is not the time to line up behind a self-proclaimed socialist. Not because he’s not absolutely right about much of what he says but because DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST.
Try peddling that lil label at the Midwestern hot-dish competition or whatever it is they do in the rectangular states. Kidding! Some of my favorite states are rectangles. Belated apologies for blowin’ y’all off in 2016. As Julia Roberts famously said to the snooty salesclerk in “Pretty Woman”: “Big mistake.”
I admit it’s impressive how 116-year-old Bernie’s got the young’uns locked up while Mayor Pete, “this many,” seems most popular with your aunt who gives everybody tea cozies she crocheted every Christmas.
Clearly, he’s got the “nice young man” vote locked down, but, honestly, how many grandmas of music ministers who never came out will actually show up at the polls?
So, who’s my pick, you ask? Amy 2020. She’s tough as a truck stop T-bone and she ranks 5 out of the 100 senators for getting poo done. She knows how to reach across the aisle without pulling back a bloody stump.
I told a friend last week that I was leaning toward Amy Klobuchar and she said: “Isn’t she the one who ate a salad with a comb?”
And didn’t she leave tardy notes on the desks of staffers who were late for work? So what? Maybe they’ll leave home earlier so they can get that latte and still get to work on time.
Truth: Trump will eat Bernie for breakfast and belch victory. Put down the gun and get it right this time.
— Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and humor columnist who frequently writes about politics. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com