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It makes sense that Sarah Palin, for all the grief I've given her, would be the one to make me, a card-carrying member of the lamestream, mainstream, liberal-vermin media, come clean.

On Friday night in Wisconsin, Palin was stumping for GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump and said this about immigration:

"What the heck are you thinking when you're actually asking for more immigrants — even illegal immigrants, welcoming them in. Even inducing and seducing them with gift baskets. 'Come on over the border and here's a gift basket of teddy bears and soccer balls.' "

I watched my media brothers and sisters tweet jokes about Palin's gift basket revelation. And I knew, right then and there, I could no longer live this lie.

So I'm committing career suicide and telling you this: The United States is using soccer-ball-laden gift baskets to lure undocumented immigrants into the country. That's a fact. You can quote me on it.

We in the news media, under the direction of the Obama administration, have been covering up Operation Gift Basket. But that's not all. Not even close.

All past claims that the media are complicit in covering up nefarious activity are true. When politicians and pundits say things that sound crazy and then blame the media for not reporting "the truth," they are absolutely correct. As you'll see, America is a much different place than any of you realize.

For starters, President Barack Obama is a Muslim, he was born in Kenya and his end-game is the destruction of America, which he hates.

Some conservative radio hosts have suggested the president is intentionally allowing "illegals" — most of whom they claim are disease-carrying rapists and terrorists — to pour across our borders in order to turn America into "a third-world country." That is absolutely correct.

So-called journalists like myself have duped you into believing otherwise through the con of "factual information." Don't listen to us, we can't be trusted, and we have all been bought off with large sums of money and a voucher for the servant of our choice after Obama enslaves all wealthy white people. (Almost forgot, that rumor about Obama enslaving all wealthy white people is also true.)

God, it feels good to get this off my chest, even though I'm likely to be jailed because Obama, using a secret governmental council, did away with freedom of speech in 2011.

Let's see, what's next? Ah, yes, climate change! That's a total hoax.

In much the same way liberal Democrats have managed to keep every journalist in America in lockstep with their conspiratorial activity, a majority of scientists have been bought off with celebrity-autographed Bunsen burners and particle accelerators made of gold.

The planet is not warming, pollution is actually making things better (turns out trees love smog, but all the dendrologists have been bought and paid for) and the only reason the oceans are rising is because there are too many whales.

Another big lie is the U.S. unemployment rate, which news reports say is at about 5 percent. In a recent interview, Trump said he has heard from some economists that the unemployment rate is as high as 40 percent. Business reporters and talking heads laughed at that notion, but Trump's right.

The sanitized "unemployment rate" from the government doesn't take into account the following: enslaved wealthy white people; people no longer searching for jobs because they have been killed by Obamacare death panels; and the tens of thousands of American workers who toil in factories making gift baskets for undocumented immigrants.

A few other true things before the Thought Police come to get me:

  • The government is coming for your guns. Probably tomorrow. (Perhaps I should've written this sooner.)
  • Democrats want to turn every American gay so they can cash in on an overseas adoption racket.
  • Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was murdered by Hillary Clinton. (She also led the invasion of the U.S. consulate in Benghazi.)

I'm sure this will all be denied by Obama and his lackeys, and the news media I was once part of will denounce me as a kook gone rogue. But I swear to you, it's true.

We live in a country with an America-hating leader, corrupt scientists, murderous secretaries of state, no freedoms, no rights and gift baskets for foreign criminals.

And the only ones keeping that truth back, until I bravely spoke out, were journalists eager to get their wealthy-white-people servants.

Sounds perfectly reasonable, right?

— Rex Huppke is a Chicago Tribune columnist.

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