Dear Justin Bieber,
I heard you ate a vegan meal and it turned you into a jerk.
We've all been there. All you want is a peaceful, quiet meal with Selena Gomez and then Usher's all like "Yeah!" about eating tofu and you're all like "Never Say Never" about trying it, because, as we know, pop stars only speak in song titles.
(I'd have made a reference to a Selena Gomez song, but I have no idea what they are. The only Selena songs I know are "Dreaming of You" and "I Could Fall in Love," and that Selena is no more after she was tragically played by Jennifer Lopez on screen.)
The rags are saying you became "intolerable" because you had a meal of tofu steak and tempeh tacos and, like most mature adults, you spat it out and made gagging noises, not unlike someone who heard you wrote a memoir.
I mean, the first time I ate fake meat after becoming vegan, I... well, loved it. That stuff can be great! The Candle Cafe seitan burger is mouth-watering OMG LOL YOLO and other such acronyms you'd understand. And the co-founder of Twitter now has a tasty new line of fake chicken, Beyond Meat.
See, I used the word Twitter in a sentence because I thought it'd get your attention. #totesworked #bieberfever #signofapocalypse
But yeah, sure, you hated it, like a petulant child being forced to eat your vegetables because a grown-up said they are good for you. But in this case, you were asked to eat your vegetables because a grown-up said they are good for you. Totally different.
Usher can't send you to your room. Unless you are a woman who finds his dulcet tones irresistible.
So you threw a hissy fit and regurgitated the tacos like a Southwestern mother bird to her young chicks. And Selena was all embarrassed by your behavior.
Rather than have you eat ethically and healthy, she told you "drop it" because "being vegan turned him into a jerk," according to some reputable magazines that regularly put Honey Boo Boo on the cover.
Phew! Close call, Biebs.
You almost had to become like so many other legendary, err, jerks/vegans such as Natalie Portman, Ellen DeGeneres, Emily Deschanel and Usher, that guy who made your career.
Fortunately, all of the gossip mags made sure to equate you becoming vegan for what appears to be one meal into you turning in a jerk, so that millions of young people will now assume the two are related.
You could, though, set them straight. Tell them you didn't really give it a chance, and that your mentor is a role model for ethical living. That being vegan is worth a try for people willing to be open to new types of food.We, as vegans, would appreciate it.
After all, you only tried it "One Time."
(See what I did there? It's a call back. I'm the Justin Bieber of writing devices.)On a related note, I heard you threw up on stage recently after drinking too much milk. See! Being vegan would've helped you avoid that!
We vegans only throw up pomegranate juice with a hint of kale.
Much more visually stimulating, and no animals are harmed.
- Reach Andrew Shaw at email@example.com